Understanding Self-Esteem: A Journey to Inner Confidence

What is self-esteem? Google defines it as “confidence in one's own worth or abilities; self-respect.” Cambridge Dictionary defines it as “belief and confidence in your own ability and value.”

I see self-esteem as the way we relate to ourselves. Are we speaking negatively towards ourselves? Are we pushing our own feelings or wants aside? Are we making ourselves small (or big) to please others or to fit what we believe they want us to be?

The Importance of Self-Esteem

It can be hard to notice when our self-esteem is growing, especially if we’re used to measuring progress by external markers. But often, the most powerful signs of healing are the quietest. Below are five signs I often see - in myself, in the therapy room, and in others - that self-esteem is quietly improving.

1) You Begin to Check In with Yourself

When we don’t think highly of ourselves, we tend to bend to make others more comfortable. We become what we think they want us to be. Phrases like “Yeah, I’m easy either way,” “Whatever you prefer,” or “I don’t mind!” become common.

A subtle shift in our self-esteem can look like asking ourselves what we prefer or how we feel about something. Even if it doesn’t feel safe enough to express that, the invitation to check in with ourselves shows a little shift in how we value ourselves.

2) You’re Learning to Say “No”

Whether it’s reducing the amount of work you take on to please your boss or agreeing to things in relationships that you don’t want or have capacity for, learning to say “no” is crucial. It may still feel uncomfortable. You might experience guilt. But you’re learning that the presence of guilt does not indicate wrongdoing. It’s a sign that you’re dysregulated by the discomfort of others.

We can learn to tolerate that discomfort and regulate ourselves. Trusting that the other person can manage their feelings is essential. “They are capable adults” has become a useful mantra in the therapy room.

3) You Prioritise Meaningful Self-Care

Sure, maybe you’ve always ticked the boxes of what you expect self-care to be. You make time for the gym, take baths, and light candles. These activities can feel nourishing and beneficial. However, when we treat self-care as a mere checklist, it may not meet our true needs.

Real, nurturing self-care can involve challenging things like setting boundaries, saying no, and having difficult conversations. When you begin to check in with yourself about what you need—understanding that these needs can change day to day—it shows a shift in self-esteem. You genuinely want to meet yourself where you are.

4) The Presence of Anger

This may sound unusual, but it’s something that comes up frequently in therapy, especially for women. If you’re used to keeping the peace and pleasing others, feeling anger can be uncomfortable.

However, the presence of anger can signal a subtle shift. It may indicate a small voice of self-advocacy that says, “This isn’t okay; I deserve better.” This shows that a part of you believes you are worthy and good enough.

5) Meeting Yourself with Compassion

We all make mistakes. One key component of self-compassion is accepting and acknowledging our humanity, both in ourselves and others.

The first time you catch yourself thinking, “This is really hard, I feel disappointed in myself, but I know I’m doing my best. How can I move forward?” instead of “Oh my God, I’m such an idiot; I can’t believe I did that,” is a powerful moment.

When we meet ourselves with gentleness and warmth, even on tough days, it indicates that our self-esteem is shifting. It shows that we are beginning to be on our own team.

Closing Thoughts

As you can see, improving our self-esteem isn’t always loud. It’s often those subtle, quiet shifts that perhaps only we notice. If these signs resonate with you, I’m glad you feel you’re on your journey to shifting the way you relate to yourself. If all of this sounds inaccessible, or you think you could never reach this place of steadiness within yourself, do get in touch here.