Why Can't I Stop Overthinking?

You’ve come home from seeing friends and in the moment, you felt great and connected, but once you’re alone you start analysing and replaying things that you might have said. Trying to anticipate how they might have felt or trying to retrospectively pick up on any subtle cues that you might have missed that they were actually annoyed or judging you.

Or you’re buying a gift for a loved one and find yourself standing in a shop or trawling online, paralysed by thoughts of if this will perfectly encapsulate how you feel about them and worrying about getting it exactly right. Is it thoughtful enough? Is it exactly what they want? What if they hate it and in turn hate me?

Or you have to send a slightly challenging email in work and spend hours typing and deleting and typing again, trying to convey the right tone. Not wanting to be too confrontational, but also assertive enough to ask for what you need. Should that full stop be an exclamation point? Is that too much? But I don’t want to sound too harsh.

If any of this feels familiar, you’ve probably found yourself thinking “why can’t I just stop overthinking?”

Why do I over think everything?

What overthinking actually is

Overthinking isn’t a clinical term, so it can mean different things to different people. But if you’re reading this, you probably have a sense of what it feels like and how distressing it can be.

In all of the above examples, it could be said that you’re just being thoughtful, careful or wanting to be prepared.

And while that might partly be true, overthinking usually goes a little bit further than that.

It can move away from helpful reflection when it tips into something more repetitive and circular. I’m sure we’ve all experienced times when we feel stuck in a loop, going around and around without landing on any clarity. It can often leave us feeling more stuck and unsure.

Why it’s so hard to stop overthinking

A big part of the reason that overthinking becomes hard to switch out of is because it often initially feels productive. It can give the illusion of feeling more in control or prepared and giving that up is scary or uncomfortable.

If we look at the above examples again, the underlying feeling there is fear. Fear of being rejected, judged, getting things wrong, being misunderstood.

And the common theme is a fear of disconnection. And that is scary, so of course your brain is trying to protect you from feeling ostracised or othered.

This can look like:

·        assuming you know what other people are thinking

·        predicting the worst-case scenario

·        trying to solve something that hasn’t actually happened

And your body can start to respond to those imagined scenarios as if they’re real. You might notice your chest tighten, your thoughts speed up or a sense of urgency creeping in. Even though nothing is actually happening in that moment, it feels like something is.

And in order to soothe that feeling of anxiety, we seek certainty by analysing. And so, the loop feeds back into itself.

The illusion of being “more prepared”

People often believe that overthinking is helping them to feel more prepared for what feel like inevitable outcomes. Which makes sense. Of course there’s a degree of comfort in feeling more in control when navigating uncertainty, even if the perceived outcome is unpleasant.

But often, this is a false sense of control. And typically, when general musings or considerations tip over into unhelpful loops, this brings with it thinking patterns like assuming the worst or trying to predict what’s going to happen.

I don’t know about you, but when I’ve worried about or overanalysed something, usually the catastrophe I’m imagining doesn’t end up happening in the way I predicted. And even if it does, I am in no way more prepared for it and it feels just as scary or painful or nerve racking as it would have anyway. So really, all I’ve done is experienced those emotions twice: once in my mind and then again in reality.

Shifting out of overthinking

There’s no quick fix for this, and it’s not about forcing your mind to go quiet. It’s more about changing your relationship with your thoughts, little by little.

Recognise and challenge any distorted thinking patterns

Naming and labelling thoughts can help to take some of their power away. Is there maybe future predicting or mind reading going on? What evidence do you have to support this?

No, not a magic bullet but it can begin to invite the idea that just because it feels true, doesn’t necessarily mean that it is. Or even just gently invite the questioning of thoughts.

Zoom out from the thoughts

Sometimes it can feel so overwhelming when we’re in it, or we get a bit lost and suddenly realise we’re down a path we didn’t consciously choose.

Some people like to imagine thoughts as passing clouds. Others like they’re watching the thoughts pass on a river. Or if you’re not a visual person, even stepping back from the thoughts by saying “I’m noticing that I’m having thoughts of…”

This can help to slow things down but also to support us in de-identifying with the thoughts.

With practice, this can help to interrupt the loops before we get sucked in.

Ground yourself in the now

When you find yourself lost in thought and analysing situations, it can be really difficult to bring ourselves back.

Focus on your breathing or bring your attention to your senses. Gently bringing yourself back into the present, acknowledging that these distress situations haven’t happened or at least aren’t happening right now, and you are safe.

Acknowledge what’s underneath

Yes, overthinking is a cognitive process, but it’s often fuelled by emotion. Acknowledge the thoughts but also the emotion underneath. Even something simple like a breath, some soothing self-touch and recognising, “I’m feeling scared. That makes sense but right now, I am safe”.

Shift to “even if”

We can get so lost in thoughts and scenarios and an endless confetti cannon of “what if?”s

One of my favourite challenges for this is to invite “even if”.

Even if I’ve made a mistake, I trust that I will be able to handle it.

Even if things don’t go the way I want, I trust that I will find a way to deal with it.

It can be helpful to shift away from the need for certainty and develop a trust in our own ability to cope.

Visualise watching your thoughts drift past you on a river

 

A different way of understanding overthinking

When we look at it this way, we can understand that overthinking isn’t a bad habit to break. It often developed because it served a purpose, to provide safety or certainty. But somewhere along the line, it can interrupt our ability to trust ourselves which, paradoxically, can be the thing that actually meets those needs.

A lack of trust in ourselves can heighten the need for double checking or analysing. And while building that trust in ourselves can’t offer certainty in outcomes, it can lessen the fear around what might happen if we believe that we have the tools to cope.

Final thoughts

If you’ve been questioning or feeling frustrated with your overthinking, hopefully reading this has given an understanding that these processes can make sense, even if they don’t feel helpful.

And I gently invite you to pause and reflect, how did this land with you? Is there anything in particular that resonates?

If this feels familiar

Overthinking is something a lot of people struggle with, especially when it’s tied up with anxiety, self-doubt or fear of being judged.

If it’s something you feel stuck in, this is the kind of work we can explore together in therapy. We can work together in understanding what’s driving these thoughts and building a different way of relating to them.

You can find out more about working with me here.